A year ago today my Dad passed away. I wrote about that time over on a blog I started during that period.
I still feel his loss and expect I always will. It's still feels like it's hard to accept as well. Did that really happen?
After returning from my Dad's funeral in Ireland I immediately threw myself back into work. I am very glad I had the distraction of that. Surprisingly I didn't take time out to grieve, but had a motivation in me to get going and keep going.
Of course I think and remember my Dad. He pops up in my thoughts every day. Sometimes those thoughts are happy ones. Sometimes they are more angry. I have the vivid image of watching him take his last breath and I want to hit out at something. I try and dismiss that image straight away and think about something else, as it serves no purpose to re-live it. And there's no point in getting angry. I can't blame my Dad, it wasn't his fault. I can't blame the nurses, who did everything they could. I could blame God I suppose, but I have very little faith in him.
I wish I had spoken to my Dad more when he was in hospital, though he was sedated a lot and also at times didn't want me to see him with all the tubes and wires. I guess did my best at the time in difficult circumstances.
I have some regrets, but some of those are regrets for my Dad. I wish he could have done everything that he had wanted to in life.
Experiencing a death can change us, hopefully for the better. I have now got more empathy with people who have lost a loved one as I understand how it can feel.
It's also made me even more determined to fit in as much as I possibly can and at least attempt to do all the things I would like to. I want to try and make things happen and not be passive and just wait. I'd sooner try and fail 100 times, than know I didn't try at all.
I hope my Dad is happy wherever he is now, is proud of me and is listening when I have a little chat with him now and then...