Sunday, 16 January 2011

A bit of relfection on the anniversary of my Dad's death.

A year ago today my Dad passed away. I wrote about that time over on a blog I started during that period.

I still feel his loss and expect I always will. It's still feels like it's hard to accept as well. Did that really happen?

After returning from my Dad's funeral in Ireland I immediately threw myself back into work. I am very glad I had the distraction of that. Surprisingly I didn't take time out to grieve, but had a motivation in me to get going and keep going.

Of course I think and remember my Dad. He pops up in my thoughts every day. Sometimes those thoughts are happy ones. Sometimes they are more angry. I have the vivid image of watching him take his last breath and I want to hit out at something. I try and dismiss that image straight away and think about something else, as it serves no purpose to re-live it. And there's no point in getting angry. I can't blame my Dad, it wasn't his fault. I can't blame the nurses, who did everything they could. I could blame God I suppose, but I have very little faith in him.

I wish I had spoken to my Dad more when he was in hospital, though he was sedated a lot and also at times didn't want me to see him with all the tubes and wires. I guess did my best at the time in difficult circumstances.

I have some regrets, but some of those are regrets for my Dad. I wish he could have done everything that he had wanted to in life.

Experiencing a death can change us, hopefully for the better. I have now got more empathy with people who have lost a loved one as I understand how it can feel.

It's also made me even more determined to fit in as much as I possibly can and at least attempt to do all the things I would like to. I want to try and make things happen and not be passive and just wait. I'd sooner try and fail 100 times, than know I didn't try at all.

I hope my Dad is happy wherever he is now, is proud of me and is listening when I have a little chat with him now and then...

2 comments:

Unknown said...

What can I say Karen ... what you're experiencing is what I'm experiencing - the regrets, the images, the memories. It does get easier with time.

And I can guarantee that Oscar's proud of you - we all are.

Love, Christina xxx

Karen Strunks said...

Thank you Christina. It's weird with the timing of everything isn't it. Glad we are there for each other XXX

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...